Girl: I wonder how boys feel when they are in love. Do they get butterflies? Do they have you on their mind 24/7? Do they wait for you to come online for hours? Do they smile at random times at the thought of you? Do they miss you all the time? Do they think about the smallest things to say? Boy: We boys don’t get butterflies, we get fireworks. We don’t have you on our mind 24/7, but we do have you on our hearts. Often, yes we wait for you to go online, sometimes simply even just being online makes our heart skip a beat, even if we don’t talk. Whenever you talk to us, our face forms that half-smile; it means we are happy but are trying our hardest to not show it, and fail at hiding it. We do miss you all the time; granted, we’d spend all our time with you if possible. We don’t think of the smallest things you say, we think of every word you say, panicking at every single word, trying to define what it really means, to read between the lines. But wait there’s more. We would love you in a million ways. And once we start loving you there is no going back for us. No matter how hard we try we will always love a girl that has touched us. Us boys when in love will think of that girl first thing in the morning, and think of that girl last before we sleep at night. Whenever we see a couple, our thoughts immediately jump to that girl, and imagine that the couple was us. Every single detail about her is loved; the way she walks, talks, speaks. The sound of her voice. Her laughter. The sparkle in her eyes. Her shy smile. The way she dresses. That cute face she makes when she’s asleep. And the way she says our name that our hearts just explode with mirth, a simple act that no-one else can replicate. A boy in love with a girl is no simple thing, though ladies stereotype us guys as simple. A man in love is not simple. No. He will be unpredictable. He will be persistent, stubborn, and given the circumstances, if it means carrying you from one side of the world to the other to win your heart, a man in love would. He will be a martyr, giving his all and asking for almost none. He will show you how to appreciate the beauty of the world in a thousand ways, and then he will tell you how much he appreciates your beauty in a million ways.

I love him damnit! why can anyone just understand that. its not that difficult to understand that I obviously love him. You don’t even have to understand it or like it, but you will be forced to accept it because its reality. Respect it! We have had our ups and downs these last almost 12 years and the fact that we have never given up on each other no matter what well obviously we love each other. Love is a strong bond so strong that it strengthens courage to forgive and overcome. Love heals. No he is not perfect he’s and I have not been perfect it, matter fact we both have been far from it, we have both did some terrible things to each other, we’ve both made mistakes, we both hurt each other, but the fact that we love each other more than we want to hold a grudge is very special. We choose not to stand between our happiness because we are most happy together nobody will ever understand our craziness , but if love is not madness it is not love at all. Love is one of those things that you can’t explain, so i cant even make excuses why or explain how. I just have decided to be with him for all the things that he has done right instead of leaving him for the few things that he has done wrong. We are both still young and of coarse we had to make mistakes to figure things out. 12 years though twelve years of watching each other grow, mature, and transform before our very eyes. Its so surreal, like almost supernatural but its so very beautiful. He has been there for me every time that I needed him, more times than I can count or even recall and I appreciate that. Basically we have molded each other and in that mold I have been made to love him and him to love me. There is not a feeling in this world that compares to the assurances in your heart to have someone to depend on no matter what. No one has ever been more loyal. In the times that we drifted apart we just got reminders of where we really want to be. People have their opinions of us but I don’t really care, there’s no way they could understand how beautiful our passion for each other is so i can empathize with that but if they all could see what’s in our hearts for each other maybe they would not judge us. It’s all good though I love him and he loves me that’s all that really matters.

Something always told me that things would never be the same after that night. No one has ever seen me like this, not anyone. I am typically closed off to the world; I never let anyone know what’s going on with me. But, something was different with you. You made me believe in myself. You made me believe that being different was a good thing. You made me believe that I could conquer anything. You; you made me who I am today. It’s not typical that I would go off and tell people how I truly feel about them. You were different, I became different, and everything is different. Who’s to say that this all wasn’t meant to be, but I can only imagine how you felt after that night. “Nothing is the same, everything takes change.” Those have always been my words of wisdom to anyone who ever asked me about anything. But, can I really live by my own words? It’s like people who try to live by their own advice, yet they just can’t. My story is not one that is easy, it’s as you would say simply complicated. I know you’re probably wondering what happened “that night.” I am quite sorry but that night is a secret. That night is something I’ll never forget or regret.

Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what’s going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be.

Althose memories gave me this feeling of being on a high, I couldn’t phrase it better than in a language indigenous to South Africa, Afrikaans, where to explain this happiness we use the phrase “In my noppies” - In my element. Later this afternoon, my sister informed me that you didn’t attend the swim meet but was at home, reading a thriller. Now aren’t we alike?? And then that infamous question popped into my head.

I sat and home, all gloomy, wondering if you had gone along to support them or stayed home like me too nestled in my new book to want to make an attempt to move anywhere. I thought about those competitions we took part in, how your presence put me at ease before my difficult and important races. Knowing that my heart was beating faster, not because I was entirely nervous about the events to come but you being there was what cause this rapid sensation in my heart that I treasured, just typing this out puts a smile on my face. It makes me think of those moments of endless conversation, just talking about anything and everything that crossed our minds as long as we were talking to each other. Normally these memories would throw me into a trance of completed sadness but it astonished me today after watching those memories flash before my eyes and then looking in the mirror, I saw a look on my face that I hadn’t seen in a while, genuine unmitigated bliss.

It is a question that I posed to myself on countless occasions and never quite got an answer. This weekend was nothing different, but I know this time the question was brought upon by reminiscent feelings. This weekend was a jam packed swimming weekend, and all our friends were preparing to participate in this years provincial championships.

What was my type of guy? It’s still a question I could not answer, yet I had a whole criteria for the ‘perfect man’. Watching Gossip Girl last night, I thought to myself the combination of the 3 lead guys would be my perfect man. A bit stupid and intellectually incorrect assumption but my girly hormones were on a high. Nate with his gorgeous body, and confident swag Chuck with his bad boy attitude and aura of utter sex appeal and Dan with that intellectual side would send any girl on a wild goose chase. I myself would want them to ‘Take me now!’. But under close inspection, I thought of what I really looked for in my perfect man: He’d be a gamer, a PlayStation addict. Be in halo 3 to god of war, he’d want them all, play them all He’d be someone I could talk to anything about, I could call him at 3 in the morning and he’d be there to listen, even if i rambled off about nonsense that didn’t even make sense to me. He’d be the intelligent, smart ass who isn’t afraid to challenge me about any of my opinions He’d ask me questions about the stupidest things He’d be a dreamer, wanting things for him, for me and the both of us to experience A free spirit, someone who isn’t afraid of falling, someone who’d just make life a little bit more exciting. Someone I could count on for anything, the person who would insult me until of sick and silly to get be back of the ground the sport lover who sucked at sport except swimming the Shakespeare, big bang theory quoting book worm A rock star at heart, where music would pulse through his veins Someone with trust issues, the most cynical and sarcastic bastard you’d ever meet because you know how I like a challenge. And when I really looked at all i ever wanted in a man, he was you… I’ve found all this, all this wonderful-ness in one tall, dark and handsome, stubborn ass, mystery that I am yet to solve…

I think you’re so beautiful, in everything you do. You’re honestly the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I can’t get enough of you. Your voice, your humor, your…everything! You’re indescribable, honestly.

“I’ve got thirty dollars in my pocket, but a million memories to give. So let’s just elope and be happy and kiss and laugh and cry and just be together until our hearts stop beating.”

Where’s a man when you need him you say? Girls need to quit complaining about their men, because often times we girls are too dramatic. My boyfriend loves the shit out of me.

Oh can we? Can we sit around in our underwear, reading aloud to each other, make art together, create love, have tea time with fancy hats, then sit up on the roof and point out the stars that remind us of our home and childhood? Oh can we?

It’s that feeling. That one the bottles itself up in a bubble, and doesn’t pop until they are right in front of you, and you can finally see them, and touch them, and hold them, and kiss them. Yeah, it’s that feeling that drives you everyday.

I’d like you to hold me thought the night. To whisper nothing’s into my ear, and to stay awake beside me as I drift away, so you can keep the nightmares away. I’d like you to run your fingers across my skin, and curl my hair between your fingers. I’d like you to be there for me.

When two people meet and fall in love, there’s a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it’s usually too late, we’ve used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It’s hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.

I was infatuated with the idea of you, engulfed in the drama of you, but now I feel like I never really knew you. Now I’m in a place where I would prefer simple sweet things. I prefer honesty and respect. I prefer the nice guy. I think because I write movies & plays I live for dramatic love moments, but that’s not real life. At all.

Why do I feel so empty inside? I literally just feel like a major trespasser in my own life. Everything is just moving in slow motion around me and I am powerless to stop it. How do I keep going when i am not even emotionally or mentally in the same realm as everyone else? I just have this compulsion to run. To run and get lost. To bring some feeling back into my life. I feel numb. Yes, numb. That is an excellent word. Numb. i am numb.

Why can’t I keep a boy? I know like seven off of the top of my head that have it really bad for me. Why can’t I be with one of them? I mean sure they are my friends and they are in my life, but why don’t they mean something to me in that way? i see what i am doing to them and i see how I am hurting them left and right and I see how they would do ANYTHING for me. But for some reason i just dont want any part of it. They deserve better than that. They all do. i feel like they like the idea of me. They like the thought of my ‘i dont give a shit’ attitude and my curly hair and blue eyes. They thrive on the idea of calling me their own but when it comes down to it. I am just another idea in their tiny brains. They don’t really care for me. i mean they think that they do but when it really comes down to it. i dont mean anything to them.

Why can’t i read? normally, I read like it is no ones buisness and by this time in the school year, I would have cleaned out half of my school’s library. But for some reason i just cant pick up a book. Like I am reading Graceling now and it is wonderful, i just cant seem to finish it. Like I want to know the ending so bad but there is literally nothing else that i can do. I just want to get lost in a good book for like three days and not think about anything else. I feel like I deserve that more than anyone for what I have gone through in the past two weeks.

Why can’t I cry? i have literally EVERY FUCKING REASON IN THE WORLD to just break the fuck down and never leave my room. I think that I have that right. But nothing that i see and nothing that is said to me has the ability to make that bloody water leak from my eyes. I wish It would.. i need to start to feel something. I have to break down all of these walls that have blocked out all the sunlight. I shouldn’t feel like this. I need to bring life back into this statue of a body. I can’t go through life feeling like an emotionless bitch. It’s not right.

Why can’t I write? i cant write at all.. about anything. Ever. Like i dont think that any of you understand just how much I want to just write down all of my feelings and all of my frustrations, because I just want to express myself in such a way that I wont break my knuckles by punching in a door. Cause i’ve done it and it hurts like a bitch.

And I know that I should probably just let go, because I know that it wont work out and everyone tells me that. So I try to convince myself that its better off that way without him… But then I’ll think of him and remember his smile that makes me melt and I cant imagine myself with anyone else and no matter how hard it will be, I want to be with him

Some people want to go to college, I just want to fall in love. Instead of being a doctor or a lawyer, all I want to do is fall more in love with someone everyday, until God gives me my last breath.